Having Sex at 13?
Updated: Nov 7, 2021
Hey, you! 🤗
"Mom, my friend is thinking of having sex for the first time with her boyfriend this weekend", my 13-year old daughter, S, casually told me today while I was preparing dinner.
"Oh ok. Wait .. What? Sex? What? WHATTTTTTT!!!"
Dinner will have to wait, I told myself while leading my daughter to the living room couch.
"So, which friend are we talking about? She's in your class right? Is she the one dating a 16-year old guy? Tell me everything, S."
After what seemed like an eternity-long discussion, I realised that some 13-year olds are indeed already thinking of sex. G-U-L-P. 🥴🥴
I am not naive. I, myself, had my first kiss at 12 but that was it. It was a first serious crush. We held hands. He carried my bag. We ate lunch together. But that was it. Sex was never in our minds at that time. (Hi to you if you happen to read my blog 👋)
This is the first point that bothers me in this situation.
If there's one thing that I would tell my younger self, it would be to live my age and not be in such a hurry. Sometimes I hear young people around me saying "Ugh, I can't wait to finally live my life", when they're talking about graduating college or leaving their parent's home. But that's wrong. Your life does not begin when you have your first job or live alone for the first time. As long as you're breathing and moving, you are living life. When you're 13, you should do what 13 year olds do and when you're 30 you do what 30 year olds do. When you're younger, you might not feel this way, but when you're older it definitely hits home. At 35, I simply cannot party the same way I used to when I was in my 20's. Nowadays, if I party on Friday, I am basically out of order on Saturday AND Sunday! So boy am I glad that I partied a lot when I was younger so I don't feel any frustration now.
This is why I don't regret the things I've done in the past and I try to not have any regrets. At 13, I think it's the right time for teenagers to go out with friends (boys and girls). Go malling. To develop friendships with the opposite sex. To have first serious crushes. Eventually a puppy love. Holding hands. But definitely no sex. Because whether we like it or not, sex complicates everything and you have the rest of your life for complicated.
Which brings me to my second point ... Protecting one's self.
Currently, at S's school, there is someone who comes to talk to them about sex. They talk about the physical protection. The use of condoms, pills, IUD, and etc ... This is very good! But does anyone talk about protecting one's heart? Especially a young girl's heart.
As much as I want to say that girls and boys are equal - they are not! I am convinced that a girl's first time from an emotional point of view is very different from a boy's. I don't have a son but talking to many many male friends has confirmed my thoughts. There is a before-after and it's completely different depending on whether you're a boy or a girl.
So my point is that while it is important to teach at school sexual education and physical protection, it is equally important to teach emotional protection. Protecting one's heart. Sadly, this isn't what's happening at school, well in my daughter's school at least. Sexual education concerns merely the physical act and the physical protection.
I've been talking to a lot to my friends and family about this lately because it really does bother me. As a mother, I have a huge role in my daughter's life to talk to her about this and I hope everyone feels the same way. A maternal influence definitely has effects on a daughter's development. Women need to guide each other.
I understand that it might be a bit awkward to go into details and talking about your own experience with your child. But if they're already thinking about sex, then they are ready to hear this. For my part, my daughter isn't ready and I am not forcing her. A child psychologist friend once told me that it is important to only answer questions a teenager will ask you about sex and forcing them into a conversation they don't want to have is a big no-no. I respect that because I respect S and I know that's what's best for her.
By the way, if you're wondering about the friend who had sex with her 16 year-old boyfriend? Well, he dumped her days after they did it and left her. This is why we need to talk to our daughters.