I am angry at myself
Hey guys! How are you? Globally, I’m doing well, but this blog post is going to get real honest soon.
Baby Girl has decided to join the Scouts, which we are really happy about. She spent the day with the group two weeks ago and she loved it. So she asked me if it was okay for her to join their next weekend trip. The husband and I agreed that if it was something she wanted, then why not.
God knows that I’m not a perfect mother. Far from it in fact. I try, but it’s not always easy. For example, the rain boots. I went looking last Monday for rain boots for Baby Girl. I couldn’t find any. I thought about it again on Friday, but the trip was on Saturday. This was cutting it short, but I figured we could make it. What I didn’t know was how difficult it was to find rain boots in the city center. And when I did – I almost choked on the price (40 Euros – what?!).
Yesterday morning, 1 hour before meeting up the scouts group, Baby Girl and I went looking for rain boots outside of the city center. We finally found something. Thank God. But …
It started raining. We had 5 minutes to make it to the meeting place. I had to find the person-in-charge of accepting the payments. I had to wait in line to buy the scouts shirt. When all that was done, I thought I could breathe a bit. But no. It started raining hard. I, then, realized Baby Girl was not as well-equipped as she should have been. Her backpack was wet, so was her sleeping bag. Poor baby. I didn’t know what to do.
Things started getting out of hand regarding the time. The bus for the scouts was late and I realized that it might take me a little bit longer to get home. But I had to meet up with someone. I called her and here’s the best part. I was expecting a « 10 minutes late – no problem » instead I got « Why didn’t you tell me earlier?! This isn’t cool » Seriously?!
What I did next is unimaginable. I told Baby Girl to join her group and I left. Without giving her a proper goodbye. The last image I have is of her waiting to get in the bus. I hate to think that she might have been looking for me and I was gone. I am angry with myself.
But what happened, you might ask. I seriously don’t know. When I got that answer on the phone, my mind started spinning. I don’t know if it’s my Filipino side coming out, but for me one’s name and reputation is important. I don’t want to be known as unreliable, unprofessional, not keeping her promises, etc… So I left to be on time, but at what price!
I am angry at the person I was supposed to meet. In fact, I told her off when she called back. I go with a philosophy of give-and-take. She has arrived a couple of times late to our meet-ups, but I’ve never made a big deal about it. Truthfully, I don’t want to be bothered by little details as such. I find that as I get older, I am more of a positive person and I like to surround myself by positivity. I don’t expect anything in return, but when I see that I am not given that same understanding, I get mad.
But ultimately, I was very angry with myself. I’ve talked about it with the Husband. What’s great about the Husband is that he never judges me and I only got comforting words from him. He doesn’t necessarily understand what goes in my mind, but he knows that I am not a bad person.
I felt much better after opening up to the Husband and even better now that I’ve typed what I felt here. It’s 3PM right now and Baby Girl will be home 3 hours from now. I can’t wait.
Like the French say, we don’t have children to keep them for ourselves, but to eventually let out to the world. I live by that saying, but when Baby Girl comes home tonight, I’m keeping her by my side all night. 😊