Updated: Jun 25
Before anything, I just want to say that this isn't going to be a jolly cheerful post. So if that's not something you want to read about or you're interested in, then I suggest you come back another day.
I need to write this. To put down into writing the word salad I've been struggling with in my head.
People always describe me as someone that's super cheerful and very positive, which I am most of the time. But there are times like now, where things aren't looking so positive. But that's ok. It happens. I don't need to fake things for people or even for myself.
I haven't been feeling well lately. Mentally well. I don't know if it's hormonal, effects of the grey and rainy days, or the covid situation, but I do know it's getting harder to keep a smile on my face.
So I tried to listen to myself, understand, and put a finger on what's been bothering me.
And then I saw this Instagram post:
After reading this post, there was something so strong that resonated with me and brought me to tears. Those tears became sobs. And then there was like a soft voice behind my ear whispering "I'm tired".
Growing up in the Philippines, most of us are told and taught to be resilient. For many different reasons. And it's true. If there's one adjective that I would describe a Filipino, that would definitely be resilient.
But I've become tired of being resilient.
Nothing in my life has been easy. To many, I make it look like it was because I always have a smile on my face. Even when I share the most difficult moments of my life. I also find it easy for me to open up about these things and I'm very articulate about it.
But I'm tired.
I know that I can't control things from happening to me. But sometimes I feel like too many things have happened. I have suffered from too much loss and struggles already.
My religious side sometimes comes out and reminds me that these things happen to me because I can take it. I'm strong. If these had happened to someone else, perhaps it would have been too hard for them to take. But, is it maybe possible .... not to be so strong anymore? Can I just turn into someone who can't take it?
I'm exhausted. Exhausted by strength.
I don't want another pat on the back. I don't want to be told that I can go through anything. I don't want to be appreciated for doing so well despite the situation. I don't want to feel like an ungrateful bitch for all the good things I did receive from life.
I just want a break. A break from this constant weight I carry with me.
Outside my window, I'm looking at a flower petal that was being washed down the side of the road because of the rain just minutes ago. After flowing down the road for a few minutes, the petal isn't moving anymore despite the constant rain. It is stuck right there in all that rainwater and I am stuck with it.