Hey, you! 🙂
I was deep into video editing this morning when I saw that a childhood friend of mine added me in a WhatsApp group.
I suddenly cried and realised It was time to put down into words what I've been carrying all these years.
As much as I wish I could say I've always tried to live a life without hurting anyone, I can't. I would be lying if I did. Shortly after my mom's death, I pushed away any friends I knew prior to her death. It was so bad that I didn't just push them away, I kicked them out of my life. I heard that my guy best friend was so shocked by my weird behaviour when he showed up at her wake, that he didn't think we could be friends again. I didn't hear his pain then. He was gone and I was proud about the mission completed.
"I'm busy with my new boyfriend, I have new friends, I put on so much weight" - any excuse was good to not see them. And as any person would, they eventually stopped inviting me, stopped calling me, stopped sending me messages. I kept contact with a few from time to time. Maybe for my own conscience, but I knew things would never be the same again. There was a crack in the wall.
Then life happened. College graduation, work, baby, marriage. I never thought about how things went down. How I let them down.
Of course, I had no idea what I was doing then and it took years of therapy to realize what I had done. As a way of coping with my mother's death, I unconsciously cut off anyone who knew her a.k.a my childhood friends. In order to move on with my life, I needed to erase anything that could remind me of her. I remember being in fear of anyone mentioning her or memories involving her.
It felt like an internal tug-of-war at that time. Deep inside me I knew I wasn't doing something right and I was missing my friends, but I just couldn't. I didn't have the strength to expose myself. It was selfish especially because they also needed me.
Which is why I cried when I saw that they added me to the group. Most don't know what was exactly going on with me and I don't know if they have forgiven me or what they even think. Nowadays, I find that making friends is not as easy as it used to be. Obviously, we have less time to invest in friendships now and in the end ... it's just not the same. Childhood friends are special. There's something about them that you just can't replace. I think it's because they represent that carefree part of our lives and are part of our roots.
I don't know if anyone of them will ever read this, but I want to take the opportunity to apologise. I'm writing this here because I don't have the courage yet to say it out loud. Maybe someday I will. Well, I do hope so.
I have no regrets because at the time I did what I thought was best for me.
But believe me, I'm sorry for everything.