Hey, you! 🥺
This is it, I guess. The week I was dreading.
Thursday, November 23, 2023 will be my dad's 10th death anniversary. *deep breath*
This grief journey has its ups and downs. The first few years were hard, but I went through them in survival mode. Then I felt like I was ok 5 years ago, until I wasn't anymore the year after and I guess I haven't been okay since.
In the beginning, it was a dark day. This eventually became a week. And now it's practically a month. A month where I feel like a dark cloud enveloping me, giving just enough air to breathe, but never fully. At times, it feels like a scream inside me, but no one hears it, except me and .... it's all the time.
I went to bed this afternoon and I cried myself to sleep. I woke up and as I opened my eyes, I felt more lost than I had ever felt before.
I wished I knew what to do about this. Because deep inside of me, I know that my dad would be terribly miserable seeing me like this. I know that he wouldn't want me to feel any of these feelings I have bottled inside of me. But I just don't know what to do.
I try working with my therapist about this. Some things have worked, others feel like I have failed. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like crap and so sorry. I'm sorry that he had to die alone. I'm sorry that my love was not enough for him to continue living. I'm sorry that I couldn't help him more than I did. I'm sorry that my attention was so divided at the time. But what's the point, right? I can be as sorry as I can - it won't bring him back to me.
While writing this, I read a post I wrote many years ago (click here for the post).
"I used to think that losing my father would be the hardest thing to experience and that I couldn’t survive the loss."
So here I am, ten years later, surviving but barely breathing.
xoxo Elodie
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↳ It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand: https://amzn.to/49ZiGIo
↳ Moving On Doesn't Mean Letting Go: https://amzn.to/3N49xnW
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